As I prepare myself to see all the loving tributes to mothers today, it is a painful day for me and it always will be in some way. My mother passed away in December 2015. Things did not end well for us. I deal with it the best I can and take comfort that she no longer has to experience any of the pain she had.
The transition of going from a child to a man was difficult for our mother-son relationship. Sometimes it’s hard for a mother to accept it when another woman comes into her son’s life. I am sure that was at the core of a lot of our issues.
I had to make some difficult decisions both good and bad which put a lot of strain on our relationship. I won’t lie. It was very difficult. I’m a lot like my mother in that I won’t just let things go and I am a fixer. I want to fix things. This created more problems than it helped. There were many times of strife and separation between us. Even with all of the differences and periods of silence at least she was always the one who would make an effort at some point to reconcile. We would often find ourselves back to the place of starting over again. Unfortunately, something would happen to bring us back to the same place of separation once more. We were never able to sustain any consistency in our relationship.
It’s easy in a strained relationship to see the negative. I was not always good at looking past the negative. That has been a difficult lesson for me.
In remembering the good things – my mom had a awesome sense of humor. She always found humor in any situation. I definitely see that part of her in me. We had a lot of funny moments together. My mom loved going to garage sales, yard sales and any rummage sale she would definitely brake for. One time we went to a yard sale and suddenly a dust devil touched down and took a flimsy card table several feet into the air tossing everything on it into every direction. We laughed for a long time about that one.
I treasure the good times. That’s what I hold on to now. Yes, there were some ugly times but I choose to remember the good – especially today. Do I have regrets? Absolutely. I’m sure we all have them but you take the good with the bad. When it’s too tempting to focus on the bad you push that away and cherish the good times. That’s the way I deal with it.
I have thought a lot about my mom since her passing. I relive things in a different way and try to look at them from her perspective. Her life was affected a lot by physical pain. She had some awful episodes with migraine headaches. She also had many other ailments which I am sure made life difficult for her. In addition to the physical pain she also had to endure the harsh life as a preacher’s wife. People are cruel and judgmental in the church. Perhaps the thing that really dealt her the most difficult blow of all was when her father passed away in 1989. I don’t think she ever recovered from that and life was never the same for her. She was indeed a daddy’s girl and she missed him terribly. I don’t fully know all the details of what she went through in the years after that. I’m sure that pain contributed to the strain of our relationship too.
I believe in heaven and I believe she is there. I take comfort and knowing she’s no longer in any pain and she’s right where she has wanted to be. She’s reunited with my Pa-Pa. I hope one day I will be reunited with her and the past problems we have will fade away.
I wish things had been different between us – especially in her final days. Most of my family sees only one side of the situation and have made up their minds without walking in my shoes. That’s fine. I deal with it. I don’t waste my time fretting over what they think. I have heard the saying that there is always three sides to a story – my side, your side and the truth. They haven’t walked a day in my shoes so they don’t know what they think they know.
Sure I have regrets. If you have a good relationship with your mother I am happy for you. Hold onto it. Do want you can to work through the difficult parts. If you are forced to make decisions to set boundaries – keep them. Don’t flip flop about it and don’t wimp out. If you’re a man, be a man. Not a mommas boy. If you find yourself in a strained relationship suck it up and deal with it. Life isn’t always fair. Not everyone is going to have the Hallmark Card relationship with their mothers. You just do the best that you can.
It may have ended tragically for me but I live my life hoping that I will be the son she could be proud of. That is how I honor her on this day.