How to Heal Your Father Wound

fatherYears ago I read a book called “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge.  In the book, he talks about the relationship between a father and son.  He says that the one thing every son wants to hear from his father is:  “You have what it takes”.

All I have to say to that is bull****!

You don’t need your father to tell you that you have what it takes.  Believe me, I know.  I spent most of my life trying to get the approval from my own father and sometimes it’s just not going to happen.  So what do you do with that?   What do you do when your father doesn’t tell you that you “have what it takes”?  Do you just pack it up?

I have had older men in my life through the years who volunteered to be my “father figure” and to that I have always said “no thanks”.  I didn’t need a stand-in father.  You don’t need someone to affirm you as a man.  You affirm it yourself by being a man.  Don’t wait for some mushy, come-to-Jesus experience with your father to do it for you. Be real. Most men aren’t going to be all emotional or admit to any affections toward you to affirm your place in this world.  Too many times people place blame on their shortcomings upon their parents.  That’s just wrong.  Yes, there is a reason we are who we are but we don’t have to stay that way or fall into some emotional void simply because we didn’t have the relationship we wanted to have with our parents.

Some have called it the “father wound” and the so-called experts want to suggest that this “wound” is the cause of our current issues or problems in life.  Again I say bull****.  You are who you are and you can’t blame some “father wound” for it.  YOU have the power to change.  I get irritated when I hear people make excuses such as “that’s the way they are” or “that’s how they were raised.”  Cop out.  That’s what it is.  People would rather place blame than take control of their lives.

This so-called “father wound” is bull****!

Sure, it’s nice if you have a sweet relationship with your father then a trip to the Hallmark store is no problem in selecting a Father’s Day card.  Not so for everyone.  So what is a person to do?  Crawl up in a corner in a ball and cry on Father’s Day?  Does it suck?  Sure it does but it’s not the end of the world and it’s certainly not the end of you.  Just because you didn’t have the Andy Griffith-type father doesn’t mean you are inadequate as a man now.  Let it go.  It’s over.  Whatever happened has past.  We are responsible for the men we are today.  So what if you tried everything to please your father and seek his approval? You may have made life choices because of him in hopes he would be pleased.  If there’s one important lesson I have learned in this life is this:  if you live your life trying to please everyone you won’t do and the only person who will be miserable is you.  Don’t do that.  If you are doing this I urge you to take a mental timeout and examine your life.  I have discovered that you can do hundreds of things that please people but when you do that one thing that doesn’t it wipes out all of the pleasing things you’ve done.

The best way to be a better man and honor your father isn’t to crave his approval.  The best way to honor him is to be the best man you can be.  Be a man of integrity.  Do what’s right.  Be a good citizen.

Not to be mean here but what does his opinion matter anyway?  It’s just his opinion based upon his own experiences.  His opinion of you – or the lack of – doesn’t mean he’s right.  Don’t invest your self-esteem on his opinion of you.

Experts have attributed this “father wound” the reason for high divorce rates, depression and pornography.  Well, I guess you could blame anything for these but when it comes time to make a choice it is ultimate up to us to make the right decision for ourselves.    You don’t need a father to give you some sort of affirmation to make the right decisions but it seems we are quick to blame them when we make the wrong ones.

If you want a father figure, there is none better than God himself.  The tricky part about that is it is difficult not to project our own father onto the way we view God.  I can’t tell you how to do this.  You have to find your own way.  I’m not going to preach a sermon here.  I will say that you can absolutely discover a true relationship with God without comparing Him to your earthly father.

So, if you are a guy today and you’ve got that gnawing feeling in your gut about your father let it go.  Forgive them.  Stop blaming them for your own shortcomings.  Sometimes, as men, we are crazy stubborn about things and how we feel.  We will live in denial until it eats through us like a slow acid.  Deal with it.  Don’t let it poison your life or the relationships you have with others.  This is life folks.  No one said it would be fair.  In fact, we are reminded of this often.  If you were abused  in some way by your father, that really stinks.  Father’s Day really sucks for you.  I won’t be insensitive and tell you to get over it. What I will tell you is that there is no way your father can fix that or make up for that.  The best way to compensate for that is to be a better man.  Use that pain as a ladder, not a crutch.  Move yourself past his inadequacies and overcome any evil with good.

The “father wound” is an excuse for bad behavior.  Don’t get sucked into it.  Move on with your life.  Don’t remain stuck as a 10-year-old who is in fear of the belt.  That was then.  You are now.

The best revenge for a crappy childhood is having a happy adulthood.

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Son Of A Preacher Man

I grew up as the son of a preacher man.   In the early years of my life, my dad was the man behind the pulpit.

He preached a lot of sermons but the lessons I learned was him.  He wasn’t like other fathers.  Sure, he took time to play basketball or throw the baseball around with me but his priority was the church.

He was born in Gadsden, Alabama but some how migrated to South Georgia where he graduated from Clinch County High School in Homerville, Georgia.  He played football and basketball and you will still find him at the football stadium on Friday night watching his beloved Clinch County Panthers.

When he graduated from high school he left for the United States Air Force.  Later, he and my mother married and I was born while dad was stationed at Dyess Air Force Base near Abilene, Texas.

He was “called” into the ministry when I was a toddler.  Dad was the pastor at many churches in Georgia.  I called Valdosta, Moultrie, Temple, Homeland, Villa Rica and Savannah home over those years I was living at home.

Dad was strict.  He didn’t have any tolerance for any nonsense and I was careful not to cause much trouble.  Strict isn’t always negative.  I have inherited a lot of his characteristics.  When I stand in the mirror I see some of him in me.  Some of the things I see is:

  • Dad was a planner.  He was never one to just do anything without planning.
  • Dad was punctual.  I never recall my dad ever being late for anything.  If nothing else, he would be early.
  • Dad was honest.  I never remember him lying or cheating anyone.
  • Dad had faith in God.  I remember many times he said that we were just going to trust in God.
  • Dad had a unique sense-of-humor.  He wasn’t a cut-up like my mom was but he had his very unique humor.
  • Dad was a hard-worker.  There were many times he worked a job in addition to pastoring a church.  He never complained about it.

 

Savannah1981
Savannah, Georgia (1981)
One thing about my dad was that he was committed to doing what he believed was the right thing to do even if he never got recognized for it.  I remember when we were in Temple, it was a very small church. One Sunday no one showed up for church but Dad still had church with me and my Mom.

I don’t think he was really appreciated for the sacrifices he made.  He made a lot of them.  I never remember him being a selfish man.  He always thought of others before himself.  I would like to be more like him in that way.

 My dad is still a good man.  I still think of him that way even if things are quite as they should be between us.  It has been a rocky road for us but he’s still my dad and always will be.  I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to have been my Dad.It’s tough writing this because it exposes some of my raw emotions.  While most Dads aren’t supposed to show emotions, I remember times that I saw my Dad cry.  I know I have probably been some of his tears.  I am not one that seeks to blame his Dad for things that he did or didn’t do in my childhood for some setback today.  My Dad was just like any other parent, he did the best he knew to do with the time and situation during those years.  I certainly don’t put anything on him.  It was what it was.

The connection a man has with his father shapes his life. Which is why every adult son must choose how that relationship will – or won’t – define him.   His ways prepared my way.  I am who I am because of him.  It was 35 years ago this month when I left home to join the United States Air Force but the lessons he taught me continues to this day.  My work ethic and personality are a lot like his.  Yes, I have tweaked it a lot over the years but he’s still there.  I see him in me when I look in the mirror.

Life isn’t always what we expected and we all make decisions that cause collateral hurts and consequences.  We all have to do the best that we can.  I have made some of those difficult decisions that have disappointed my Dad.   No son intentionally wants to disappoint their dad.  A son always wants to have his dad’s approval.  He wants to know that he made it regardless of how successful he has been on his own.  That approval matters deep inside of us somewhere.

When we’re not reconciled with our fathers, there’s something inside of us that remains restless. We don’t really grow up until we have come to terms with our fathers. Whether we want to admit it or not, we need our fathers to bless us in a way that brings us into adulthood regardless how old we are.

As for me, it doesn’t matter what has happened before.  He’s still my Dad.